We all have them. The dreams that make you question if we just might be sleeping while our eyes are open and enter reality when our lids slide shut. They leave an imprint on the clay of the mind and seem to materialize into an escaping shadow that lurks throughout the following day.
The night has become too loud again.
Shadows of familiar faces are brushing the walls and they look too close to your own. They wait until the time is right to slide in next to you. They know eventually the body will tire, flagging surrender. Quickly they sew past dreams into present slumber.
It started by sifting through old journals. The annual examination of my pincushion of a heart that is. First things first: check for a pulse. With slight surprise and major relief, we're in business people.
Since when did silence get so loud? I think I know when.
It had to be around the time that the voices on the outside muted the one inside. When what they said what I needed became more relevant than the things I wanted to need. The only way I can avoid the quiet is to dive into the great pool of noise the outside world so willingly provides us.
One of the many gifts of growing up on a farm is the deep, dark blanket of a sky that awaits you each night. Witnessing my first shooting star felt liking catching a quick wink from heaven. There were many nights spent camping on the trampoline trying to fight sleep to wait for these little cosmic phenomenons.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief in her 1969 book that was based on dealing with the loss of a loved one. She describes the five stages you will typically have to endure to get back on the path of a life with some promised normalcy. Reading them made me wonder if I could successfully apply these stages to other areas of my life.
It took me a second to realize I had unknowingly been using these stages to prepare for the loss of something similar in importance: the loss of my greatest Fear.
It starts by waking up out of breath one morning and you quickly get the feeling that you have lost something. You reach for your phone and it's there. You search for your keys, your favorite necklace, your purse, your wallet, a credit card and it's all where it should be. Even the dog is flopped down in his usual spot. But the feeling is still there.