Today was a good day. And not just because I didn't have to use my A.K.
Today was good because it is the starting point for a new little life journey of mine. If you're reading this on my website, then you probably already know that CLW has just received a major facelift. (Not that she really needed it. I mean she is only two years old.) If this is your first time on the blog, then let's just pretend that it always looked this fabulous, shall we?
I really love the new look and hope you do, too! If you don't, well, I am going to need you to keep that shiz to yourself today. I busted my imaginary balls off on this site and would prefer to pop my bottle of sparkling rosé on Cloud Nine, thank you very much.
In addition to a new look, there is also an entire new element to CLW—the SERVICES section. That's right, I am now offering personal writing services! It is my newest brainchild of the bunch and I really, really like this one. My heart is poured all over it! (To read more about why I started offering services—you know, besides the fact that I really need to be able to afford mediocre bottles of wine and add guac to my Chipotle orders—click here.)
As excited as I am about the launch of the new site and services, I have to admit that the process wasn't all sunshine and unicorns.
Like any new venture, it came with a large serving of anxiety and an extra side of self-doubt. (Don't you love how all of my analogies pertain to food? I am obviously on a die—I mean, Lifestyle Change or what the eff ever. Both mean "hungry b*tch" in my book.)
So, yeah. My new mini-business endeavor was trying to make me hate myself, but that's OK. I just so happen to have some well-practiced strategies for that department—especially when I am the source of the problem and the solution. Bring it on, Brainchild.
Redesigning a new website and attempting to put a small business into motion turns you into a mentally unstable zombie. Let's just start there.
Fortunately, you only become this zombie for the duration of the creative/editorial process. Unfortunately, you are very much a semi-functional and slightly repulsive corpse during this time. By the end of my work day, I looked like Britney circa 2007 (pre salon razor) had landed a guest appearance on The Walking Dead.
I was overcaffeinated, underslept, a sparrow was most likely nesting in my top knot, and I spent more time in my Betty Boop robe than in adult clothing. Combine that with moments of oh-my-god-I-am-brilliant-this-is-going-to-be-the-greatest-thing-ever and oh-my-god-I-am-an-idiot-I-cannot-do-this-what-was-I-thinking interrupted by bouts of reputation threatening dance moves and manic laughter.
You get the point—It wasn't my best look.
Want to know what triggered the low points throughout the process? It was when I thought about all of the people that I'd like to prove wrong that really set my crazy off the charts.
Once I started to dwell on how wonderful it was going to be to shove my first homemade success pie in their faces, well, let's just say those mental moments of pleasure were short-lived.
When I began to think about the people I'd like to prove wrong, I also began to think about all of the reasons they would question why I had the right to start this whole thing in the first place.
So-and-so always thought I lacked determination. So-and-so never expects me to follow through with anything. So-and-so would laugh at the thought of starting a small business for a blog. So-and-so said this, and So-and-so said that. Oh my gosh. WHAT IF SO-AND-SO IS RIGHT?!
My thoughts continued on like this for a couple of weeks.
Luckily, like I mentioned before, I had some strategies for them and was able to continue working on the project despite the ongoing thoughts of self-doubt. (Cyber high five for progress in self-care!) Even though I was able to keep them at bay, I still needed to address them.
It wasn't until I had lunch with four of the women that I love most in my life that I knew what I needed to do to show those thoughts where they could stick it.
It was a birthday lunch for my sister at my aunt's house when I decided to tell them my plans of offering custom writing services. I was nervous to say the least. Even though these ladies love me to Pluto and back, they are all very successful business-minded women. They are also not afraid to tell me if I should give something a little more thought before taking action.
This is what I admire most about them. We are honest in our love for each other. Even when telling the truth hurts, we do it because we want to make sure we are striving to be the best versions of ourselves possible. This makes them my tribe.
So, I put all of my plans out there over tea sandwiches and red wine. When the moment came for their feedback, my breath was baited. What if they didn't see what I SAW in all of this? Would I have to go against their advice and follow my heart? Because I couldn't even begin to think of thinking of something else while awake in bed at night. I wanted this—badly.
Thankfully, I didn't have to answer any of those questions.
They all gave me their honest opinion and pieces of advice on where to start, but the consensus was the same: Yes, yes, yes, and YES! I was so overwhelmed by their belief in me that I had to excuse myself and go to the restroom to splash some water on my face. While in the bathroom, I could hear them continue to sing their approval and excitement for my new idea. I took a long moment to soak it in. It felt good to be so encouraged. It was then that a thought struck me:
Why would I waste an ounce of my valuable time focusing on proving people that DON'T believe in me wrong when I could be dedicating it to proving those that DO believe in me right?
That's the question I needed to ask. And it gave me the answer I needed to confidently move forward in the direction of my new goal.
When you think about it, why do we give so much of our energy to those that don't value it? It's more than a little ridiculous that we allow ourselves to throw a positive mask on such a negative thought process and call it motivation. I'd much rather have my personal drive come from a place that began with pure intentions.
Wanting to get a promotion so we can feel above someone. Wanting to lose weight so that we can make someone else feel fat. Wanting to be successful so that others feel less than. It's ALL for the birds!
Even if we do get somewhere because we were fueled by negative motives, can that really be counted as a complete success?
Maybe, but I'd prefer to think not.
I want to make the support system I have been blessed with my mental gas station. It is there that I want to tap into my potential and grab an extra tank of fuel for the hard days. Not at the mental dump of shitty decisions and people that is waiting for me around the corner. We never find the answers we think we will there. Just more trash.
If you think that you do not have anyone on your side that wants to see you succeed and that you want to prove right, you are very wrong. You have YOU. We have ourselves. You are the most important person out there that can believe in what you are trying to do.
There isn't any success that can be compared to the certainty that you have your own back— 100%. And if you still don't believe that you can do that for yourself, well then, congratulations. You've just found the first person you should take the time to prove wrong.