Are you stressed to the max? Does your weekend calendar look more like a local politician's required campaign trail stops? Do you have trouble not committing to helping out with every party that is being thrown within a 20-mile radius? Do you ever find yourself wishing for the courage to shake that ass on the dance floor?
Well, you're in luck! The I-Don't-Give-a-Sh*t club is accepting new members! In fact, it's doors are always open—join at any time!
I couldn't care less. My give a damn's busted. Save the drama for your mama. Here's a quarter—call someone who cares. No, I can't bring Peppa Pig cake pops for everyone.
These could be your new and improved go-to answers to all of your substance abuse inducing questions! All at the low price of free-99.
On a serious note: Not giving a sh*t is actually THE sh*t. I've been in the club for awhile now and it is F-wording awesome.
Whenever I spend a good amount of time with a new girl friend, it is inevitable that she will look at me at some point and say, "You really just don't care what people think, do you?" Ninety percent of the time, it is coming from a good and interested place and I do my best to encourage them to join me.
The other ten percent just look really concerned. But, that's probably just their permanent facial expression as a result of the large stick up their arse. Either way, as an IDGAS club member, I don't got time for that other 10%.
Here are a few ways to tell if you might like to become a member or already are a member—you just don't have the glamorous title yet.
1. YOU DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING. Some people think they are doing this, but, they're really not. They look over their shoulder to see who can see them, they count their steps and slightly sway their hips back and forth. This does not count. Not even if it's to a song about dancing like no one is watching.
In this club, you dance like the dance floor just became your bathroom mirror. Why? Because you can and you feel like it, that's why.
You do the chicken because it makes the kids laugh. You shake your ass because you have a fabulous one. You take your shirt off, twist it round yo head and spin it like a helicopter because Petey Pablo said to. (OK, maybe just do the motion on that one—unless you're at a Petey Pablo concert, of course.) You dosey doe with your Nana because it will be one of the best damn moments of your life.
Lose yourself in the music. It gives life to, well, your LIFE! Try it out sometime. And if anyone judges you, take T-Swift's advice and shake that shit off.
2. YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FAKE FRIENDS. I could go off on this topic forever, but I will keep it short and sweet—just how I like the ceremonies of weddings I attend. There are a lot of tests you can perform to sift out the flakiness in a friend.
This happens to be my favorite:
Try on a dress that you KNOW you look bootylicous in. Then try on the one you wore to Aunt Sue's funeral. Now, ask which your friend thinks you should wear. Did she pick the faded fleece turtleneck dress that Aunt Sue bought you? That bitch. Kick her to the curb! Real friends want you to look fabulous—fake friends want you to look like a frump-opotamus.
Unless, of course, you ARE going to a funeral. Then she's just being a good friend by reminding you that a funeral is no place for desperation. She's a keeper.
3. SAYING "NO" IS NO LONGER HARD. This one is the most complicated easy decision you will ever make—saying "no" when you do not want to (or cannot) do something.
This one is tough because (most) women are natural caregivers and nurturers—these are beautiful things. The problem is that we get these two mixed up with being "pleasers" and "fixers". Stop that shit. It's not the same thing. You can be a nurturing person to others, but you can't forget to take care of yourself. Guilt may be the biggest bully in town, but you can outrun it—promise.
Want a life-changing tip on this one? After you say "no", don't offer an explanation. The reasoning is your business—not theirs. You don't owe anyone an explanation for the way you live your life. This one is tough though, not gonna lie. I am still working on it—daily.
4. IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU IF SOMEONE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. People who don't care about what other people think of them know that they are fabulous and beautiful and worthy. If someone disagrees, that is their loss. We have better things to do that don't involve spending our precious time trying to change someone's mind. Simple as that.
5. A BROKEN HEART DOES NOT MEAN A BROKEN LIFE. This relates to #4 quite a bit. If someone leaves you, it's going to hurt—there's no denying that. Getting your heart broken is a terrible thing. Take the time needed to grieve it by getting so drunk that you throw up in your best friend's lap and have to use her Forever 21 top as your personal hankey—that's what she's there for.
However, do NOT let that person's absence become the reason for yours in others' lives or your own. You are SO worthy of a great love. Recognize this and you will be holding the door for anyone who thinks otherwise.
6. THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCALE DOESN'T MEASURE YOUR HAPPINESS. Our bodies change—Constantly! Babies, breakups, beer, burgers—those Bs are some real bitches. But putting your life on hold will not change them. If you are turning down invitations or refusing to wear a swimsuit or avoiding seeing someone you care about, all because you are busy bashing your own body, shame on you. Seriously.
Did you ever stop and think that your presence may be the greatest gift you can give to others?
They invited you to that event for a reason. Your kids or nieces or nephews or grandkids do not want someone else to take them down to the beach. That person you care about wants to see you because they care about YOU—all of you!
Give yourself permission to feel beautiful when you do not meet society's beauty standards. It is that kind of beauty that changes the standard. If you give yourself permission to live a life that is dictated by the size of your heart and not your jeans, the heaviness will lift in a big way.
Dance, love, leave, eat, run, show up, create—LIVE—just the way you are and you will be pleasantly surprised when you end up discovering exactly who that is.
So, wanna join the club? Awesome. I'll meet you on the dance floor!
This club is not for you? That's OK, too. You'll just have to watch me dance. Either way, (Yep, you guessed it.) I don't give a sh*t.