1. Secrets don't make friends. . Unless you aren't around friends who can't know the secret. Then they make great friends.
2. So what if your fellow employee (who you have helped out a time too many) is going to give you the cold shoulder for not switching them a solid shift. You work hard. Keep your Friday night. I promise they will be able to reschedule their dog's acupuncture appointment.
3. Blow on your hot liquids/foods before devouring them! I know you're starving and tired but, hopefully, whatever you are consuming is not going to grow legs and run away from you if you let it sit for two minutes. A burnt tongue is the 187th worst thing that can happen to you in the world! ..according to a study created and performed by me.
4. If it's past noon and you are still in bed and you don't have a hang over... Well, then you need a serious to-do list. Or a therapist. Either way, just get out of bed.
5. Returning to an X after you break up with someone or are broken up with is kind of a deep burn. If you are the breaker-upper who returned to your X then you should fully expect and be okay with just one swift kick to the balls or punch in the boob. But if you are the X they returned to then you have unlimited permission to yell out variations of 'Burn!' like an 11-year-old the first few times you see the former X. You only have a couple of times you're allowed to do this without looking insecure so get creative and be discreet. A blackened eggo waffle on their doorstep should do the trick. Make it the cinnamon kind so you seem sweet.
6. If you don't eat meat, smoke or drink alcohol let me just say congratulations and more power to you. But if you remind me that you don't one more time, I am going to find a way to sneak a pig's foot, second hand smoke (the worst kind, gasp!) and a shot of bourbon into your vegan brownie. So back off and let me slowly deteriorate my body in peace.
7. I know she sucks and you wish she'd move to Zimbabwe and live in a hut with no communication to the modern world BUT she's not going to. In fact, she's probably going to stick around forever so deal. Don't be a sourpuss in the corner when she shows up and more importantly don't become obviously obnoxious. If you don't typically have a "knee slapper" kind of laugh when she's not around then don't develop one when she enters the room to prove how much fun you're having. No one is going to believe you are having the time of your life at Applebee's. It's not even happy hour and you're paying full price for boxed wine. Pull yourself together.
8. And I swear if you request 'Red Solo Cup' in my jukebox one more time. . .